I'm trying to let go of breastfeeding. My goal was to breastfeed the boys for a year and they turn one in 2 weeks - but this is not why I'm trying to let it go. I'm trying to let it go because they are pretty much telling me they are done. Waylon let me know a few months ago. He just stopped. He was not interested any more. So I let him go and gave him pumped milk while I still nursed Wyatt when I could. So, it's been nurse, pump, pump, pump, nurse, pump, pump for the past year. And my supply is minimal. Like 2-4 ounces per pump even if I don't breastfeed first.
And the past few days, Wyatt just cries and pushes me away when I put him to the breast. Granted, he is sick but I'm thinking it's a sign. And my supply has pretty much dried up over the past few days as well. This morning I tried to nurse Wyatt unsuccessfully and then I pumped for 30 minutes and nothing came out. That is after 8 hours of not pumping while I slept. Nothing. But I kept going. And then I cried. And then I tried to pump again.
This is why I'm trying to let it go. It's causing me too much stress, sadness and effort. But I'm having a really hard time accepting that this portion of motherhood is over. It is the end of their physical dependence on me that we've had since the day they were conceived. It means they are growing up and turning into toddlers vs babies. Deep sigh...
Nursing was not easy for me. The 'troubles' started in the hospital where the dr and nurses thought the boys weren't gaining enough weight b/c my milk hadn't come in so they gave them formula. If I could go back to that moment, I think I would say no. But right after delivery I was so tired, confused and scared, that I listened to the dr's and we started supplementing. And kept supplementing. And have supplemented ever since.
I tandem nursed for the first 6 months. And then pumped after every nurse. And I felt like I did not have enough supply. It was also exhausting and difficult for me to do - especially if I was alone and had to set up the nursing station myself. But there were also amazing, sweet and incredibly fulfilling moments which is what kept me nursing. At around 6 months, the boys were getting too big to tandem so I switched and did them individually. This was even more difficult and time consuming because there would always have to be someone waiting which resulted in one cranky, frustrated and jealous baby. Plus it took twice as long to nurse. To rectify this situation, I would give the 'waiting' baby 1/2 a bottle and then nurse him - until this stopped working because the babies just wanted bottles. At around 8 months Waylon just would not nurse. Every time I offered him the breast, he would just push away and become really frustrated. I tried a lactation consultant, La Leche and other support groups and posted stuff on multiple message boards. So for the last few months I've been nursing Wyatt when I can and giving Waylon all of the pumped milk. And it's worked out prety well.
I know that letting go is a process and that the only way that this motherhood thing is going to be enjoable for me is to be much much easier on myself and that I have to stop comparing myself to other.. I know that in a few days I'll feel better about not breastfeeding. Hopefully I will be able to let go of those 'I'm not good enough' feelings that I felt when I was not able to exculsively breastfeed and will feel a sense of accomplishment and happiness that I did the best I could. And probably in a few months, it will seem like a distant blur and there will some other challenge that I will be going through.
The most important thing right now is that my babies are healthy. They are a great weight. They eat well. They are getting their nourishment from high quality formula and healthy foods. And they are happy happy babies. That's all that counts.
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